i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
