honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
