Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
