i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
