it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
