Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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