bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
