i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
