Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
