My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
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He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
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