I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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