You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
