I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
