wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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