I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Holy shit dude........stairs
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
