I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
