So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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