The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
