I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
