I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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