I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Blood and glitter go together right?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
