My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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