I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
