Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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