I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
