Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
