hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
