i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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