Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
