how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
