HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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