please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
