Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
