i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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