If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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