Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
whose parrot is this?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
