I think im going to throw up on grandma
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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