You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
