my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
