Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
this just has baby written all over it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
