Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
