as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
