i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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