who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
