i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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