one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
