Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
