It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
