i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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