You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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