HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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