she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
