I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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