I wish my penis had an off switch
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
