Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
