i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
