and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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