Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
