I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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