tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
